When teams struggle, it’s often a result of relationship problems. And the source of those interpersonal troubles? Faulty assumptions.

Imagine one of your coworkers saying or doing something, and suddenly you are all bent out of shape about it. When asked why you are so mad, you’ll probably describe the incident in great detail. Included in your description will be the other person’s intentions, motivations, attitudes, feelings, or values. You aren’t mad about what the person did. You’re mad about what the person intended. And here’s the thing. You don’t know what that person was thinking or feeling. Your anger is based on an assumption.

To keep relationships on a solid footing, begin by catching yourself and others making assumptions that may not be true. If a friend comes to you complaining about a co-worker’s lack of effort and says something like, “She knows that I’ll do whatever she doesn’t do. She’s totally taking advantage of me.” You might gently ask the question, “How do you know that to be true?” You might also suggest other possibilities such as:

• Co-worker did more than you were personally aware of.
• Co-worker was tired and knowingly coasted a bit, but never had a clue how it might affect you or others.
• Co-worker wasn’t aware of everything that needed to be done and thought all was right with the world.

Unconfirmed assumptions can unnecessarily tear people apart. Strained relationships will undoubtedly reduce the team’s effectiveness. The secret is as simple as recognizing what you don’t know and confirming before you draw conclusions.

Yes it would be painful, but it’s anonymous, so just do it and take off for the day.

Chances are we’d all have the occasional bad day. Those are to be expected. For most of us there would also likely be a pattern that quickly develops in the responses. So on most days how would your co-workers rate you?

If you don’t know, it might be time to find out. And if you’re pretty sure they think that you generally make it worse, then I would ask, “What are you doing about it?” In these cases it’s so easy to blame your bad behavior on someone else or the situation. You can do that, but it sure isn’t making things better. And so I ask again, “What are you doing about it?”

A healthy and respectful workplace results when everyone does his or her best to make it better. It only take a few people behaving badly to mess things up. You can either be making things better or you’re making them worse. Please make your choice and behave accordingly.

“What if it’s hard” asked a recent team-building workshop participant after we had just completed an exercise about working with people who have styles quite different than our own. At the time I thought he might be joking, even though his face suggested he was being quite serious. So I tackled his question straight up.

First up, agree with the premise of his question. It is hard. People who are different from us challenge our values and beliefs. They force us into doing things that aren’t comfortable. They somehow manage to push our hot-buttons; leaving us frustrated, angry, and exhausted.

With that out of the way, I decided to make the case for why it is worth the effort. Here’s what I came up with. If you can add to the list, please do so in the comments.

• Reciprocity. If we go out of our way to accommodate others, perhaps they’ll one day return the favor. And if we don’t see ourselves as being difficult for some of the people we work with, well then it’s time to develop some self-awareness.
• Learning. When people force us out of our comfort zone, we can’t help but learn something about them and ourselves in the process.
• Results. Let’s assume for a minute that we don’t always know the right thing to do, nor do we always know the best way for doing it. Mixing it up with people who are different from us helps us discover new and often better approaches. Together we are able to more effectively solve problems than we could have on our own.
• Necessity. Finally it all comes down to this. We live and work together. We are social beings. For most of us, we aren’t financially in a position to pull out of our jobs or society and live in isolation. With this reality as a backdrop, what choice do we have?

Is is hard? Yep. Is it worth making the effort? Absolutely. Look around at the people with whom you work, especially the ones you don’t like. Now find a way to connect and succeed together.

With Thanksgiving coming up at the end of this week and all the holiday celebrations that occur at the end of December, you might find your stress levels starting to rise. So what strategies can you use to make the holidays a more comfortable experience for everyone?  Try some of these tried and true techniques.

• Stay away from the touchy subjects.  If there isn’t a compelling reason for you to share your political beliefs with all the relatives, then don’t do it.  Likewise, if someone tries to share them with you, don’t take the bait.
• Ask yourself whether you would rather be right or would rather be kind. Work extra hard to choose kindness.
• Consider what kind of holiday you wish to have.  Imagine what success looks like and then develop a plan for achieving it.
• Lighten up.  Tight quarters, a couple glasses of holiday cheer, and family history often combine to create a tense situation.  You might not be able to control what happens, but you can control your reaction.  Take it as it is.  Enjoy yourself.
• Manage your stress.  If things start getting under your skin, it might be a perfect time for a walk outside in order to decompress a bit.  Get a good night’s rest and go easy on all the eating and drinking.  You’ll feel better and be better able to cope with what comes your way.
• Set your expectations appropriately.  You know how these gatherings often turn out.  Thinking it’s going to be different this year is probably a mistake.  Believing it’s going to turn out like a Hallmark made-for-TV movie will lead to disappointment.

Happy holidays everyone.  Enjoy your celebrations.

Photo by StarMama

Being the leader is challenging to say the least, especially when you are new to the job. It’s common to hear new leaders complain that their employees aren’t acting like a team. In these situations it is also common to see the leader doing little, if anything, to create more teamwork.

When trying to help people work better together, there are three principles to keep in mind as you go about your work.  If you remember these principles, your chances of success go way up.

• Joint Ownership. Every member of the team has to believe he or she is as responsible for the success of the team as anyone else in the group.  In order for this to happen, people have to see that they have a stake in the outcome.  As the leader you will probably need to give up a fair amount of control to compensate for their preconceived idea that the leader has more ownership than anyone else.
• Focus. A winning team needs something that holds it together.  The members need a common focus.  This focus usually comes in the form of goals and objectives that everyone cares about and believes can be achieved.  Even if people primarily work independently, you might consider at least one goal that requires them to work together.
• Camaraderie. Finally, since teamwork is about working together, members need to feel good about each other (at least most of the time).  This happens as people get to know one another and trust builds among team members.  Your job is to encourage the development of trust and deal with any problems that are getting in the way of people liking/respecting each other.

Photo by John Spooner

Imagine a meeting where people say what’s on their minds, understand each other, and nobody feels roughed up by having been part of the discussion. If the meetings in your organization are lacking some or all of these, then this workshop is for you.

In this 90-minute session, participants will learn 15 specific behaviors that will help them more effectively voice their opinions and ask their questions. The higher levels of candor and respect will help your team more easily identify problems, more quickly develop solutions, and more civilly reach agreements.

The value in a meeting is hearing from everyone. If that’s not occurring, then consider giving Meeting Talk a try.

Photo by ghindo

When it comes to life at work, most people don’t like conflict. It makes them uncomfortable and increases their stress. If given a choice they will avoid it. What they don’t realize is that by trying to avoid it, they are only missing an opportunity to do something positive about it.

Here’s the organizational leader’s challenge. Help employees understand that the potential pay-offs of conflict are innovation, personal growth and stronger relationships. Prove to them that the rewards outweigh the costs.

One way of doing this is by making your expectations clear and modeling them through your actions. Develop, communicate, and reinforce a set of conflict standards that everyone can follow. Imagine the impact on your organization if these statements were true:

• We address problems immediately and directly.
• We understand others before trying to make them understand us.
• We balance being kind with being right.

Another way to stress the importance of resolving conflicts is to give people the skills they need for doing so. Put all employees through conflict management training upon joining the organization, and supplement with regular follow-up. Employees will feel more comfortable with conflict if they are confident in their ability to deal with it.

If you want an organization that effectively addresses conflict, you’ll need to begin by changing employee attitudes about it.

One of the author’s key ideas is that we would all be better off if we talked about what mattered most. How does one know what matters most? She offers a couple great questions you might ask yourself prior to starting a conversation with someone.

• What have I not been saying to this person?
• What topics am I most concerned the other person might bring up during our conversation?
• What am I pretending not to know?

Think of one relationship you have that is important to you. Ask yourself these questions in terms of this relationship. The answer, Scott suggests, is that which matters most.

To me, going from one fierce conversation to another appears full of risk. The author combats this fear with another couple questions.

• What’s the risk associated with avoiding this conversation?
• What’s the potential upside to engaging in this conversation?

The consequence we most fear, according to Scott, is that by talking about that which matters most…

• We will be known
• We will be seen
• We will be changed

Here’s to fierce conversations.

Powerful employees are successful employees.  And it’s successful employees that create organizations that thrive, even in tough times. Imagine your organization filled with people who…

• Take an active interest in the organization and are able to voice their thoughts, concerns, and ideas in a manner that is timely, effective and respectful.
• Are filled with confidence that they will complete the tasks and goals they have been assigned.
• Are connected to others who can provide the support they need when it is needed.
• Can respectfully and quickly work through disagreements with coworkers.
• Manage their stress when times are tough.
• Remain productive during workplace transitions.

If you want employees who behave in this way, you’ll need to use a multi-pronged approach.  The first involves increasing skills for employees.  This is usually accomplished with workshops and webinars.  The second is changing the environment in a way that allows the desired behaviors to flourish.

For years the past 13 years I’ve presented thousands of seminars focused on developing skills in employees.  Recently I completed a new series of management workshops focused on changing the environment.

Currently there are six workshops in the series.  Each can be delivered as a two hour mini workshop for leaders in your organization or expanded into a more robust organizational improvement planning sessions.   Here’s a brief summary of the topics.

Speak Up:  Helping Employees Say What Needs Saying

How many employees see problems that could create serious issues for the organization, but say nothing because they don’t want to be viewed as complainers?  How many employees are angry about a coworker’s comments but don’t talk to that person about their concerns because the conversation might get ugly?  And what about all the great ideas that are going unmentioned because of the perception that nobody listens?  Powerful employees speak up.  In this workshop we will explore ways to help employees with a passive communication style be more assertive with coworkers and managers to improve organizational effectiveness.

Mission Accomplished:  Increasing Confidence with Productivity

Think about how good it feels to go home at the end of a long day knowing you accomplished some important work, contributing to your organization’s success.  Do this day after day, and your confidence and self-esteem will rise.  You will not only feel like, but also become a powerful employee.  Today many employees report that they have too much to do and not enough time to get it all done.  As a result they often end their day filled with frustration at how little they have to show for their efforts.  The purpose of this workshop is to identify strategies employers can use to help employees feel more productive and confident in their ability to accomplish their goals and recognize the contributions they make to the organization.

Making Connections:  Building a Networked Organization

If you believe the adage “It’s not what you know but who you know,” than it follows that helping employees know more people is good for the organization and the individual.  Powerful employees build strong networks of people both in and out of the organization that they can draw on for support and ideas.  We all need people we can lean on when faced with tough obstacles, unfortunately most people don’t think about developing this support network until they actually need it.  This workshop will show employers ways they can encourage employees to build networks and help them develop the skills necessary for effectively networking.

Working it Out:  Making the Most of Interpersonal Conflict

Conflict doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  Unfortunately too many organizations treat it as a problem rather than an opportunity.  Unresolved or poorly managed conflicts are a huge source employee stress.  Organizations cannot and should not eliminate conflicts, but they can become great at managing them.  This workshop will explore ways organizations can help people become powerful employees by more successfully working through their differences at work.

Stress Busters:  Working Through Crazy Times

The pressure is building and employees aren’t handling it well.  People are behaving badly and it’s affecting the results.  While we want to tell everyone to chill, that isn’t likely to help much.  When things are tough at work, powerful employees know what they can do to manage their own stress so that they can remain effective in spite of the less than ideal situation.  In this workshops we will look at the three major stress management strategies and explore specific actions the employer can take to help employees implement these strategies in their lives at work.

Navigating Change:  Succeeding During Workplace Transitions

Organizations are always changing, and from the employee’s perspective, these changes often viewed negatively.  The negativity surrounding the change increases stress and lowers productivity throughout the organization.  There are plenty of ways an employer can make transitions easier for employees.  There are also skills and ideas that when introduced into the organization will create powerful employees who are resilient, flexible, and optimistic about the future.  This workshop can’t stop change from occurring, but it can help your organization be more equipped to deal with it.