Whenever I do a communication workshop, I typically pose the question “What does an eye roll mean?” After giving folks a moment to think, I start surveying the room for answers. I’m always surprised by how many distinctly different answers I hear. While everyone agrees that an eye roll is projecting negativity, there is very little agreement on the specifics. Some think it shows disbelief. Others go with frustration. Still others interpret it as a dismissal of the idea and maybe even the person uttering it.

Here’s the problem. Few, if any of us, would ever consider the possibility that an eye roll could mean anything other than our original interpretation. We see it. We are certain of its meaning. More times than not we are wrong. Since so much information is conveyed via body language, our ability to be effective in this area means getting much better at correctly interpreting what we see.

My advice is simple. Pay attention, but don’t make assumptions. When you notice something that you believe has meaning, use it as a springboard for more conversation.

Let’s say you are talking with someone and after making a suggestion you see an expression come over the other person’s face that you interpret as dislike for your idea. Now you might be right or perhaps you are not. Even if you are, do you know why the person doesn’t like your suggestion? That could be important information. Instead of proceeding based on your belief that the person is now against you, open up a conversation based on your guess about what you observed. You could say something like, “Looks like maybe you’re not crazy about what I just said. Am I reading you right? I’d like to know more about what you are thinking.” Your goal is to encourage more conversation so clarity increases with the exchange of language.

As a warning, you have to be careful about when and how you pursue these conversations. Once I was presenting a workshop and noticed a participant cut loose a big eye roll in response to something I had just said. Or at least that was my assumption. Anyway, I decided to engage, and said, “Now that was quite the eye roll. What would you like to say?” She ignored my offer and I moved on, feeling slightly confused.

After the meeting, she invited me to chat in the hall. It turns out my assumption was wrong. I thought it was targeted at me. In reality it was meant for a friend across the table, and the goal was to mock another person who was in the room. She was upset that I outed her and probably alerted the person she was mocking to the bad behavior. Funny that she didn’t even seem to consider that maybe not doing the eye roll in the first place would have been the better option.

I follow up on many body language hunches. Some are confirmed. Others show my assumptions to be wrong. Most work out just fine. With my one caution in mind, I encourage you to start paying more attention to body language. Ask about what you notice. It’s the best way I know to increase understanding.

Image credit: orijinal

• When the boss is all fired up about a big idea that you think is doomed to fail, what would you say?
• When a co-worker is disturbing your productivity and well-being by droning on about problems at home, do you speak up?
• When one of your employees does work that disappoints you, how direct are you in addressing your concerns?
• When you notice a potentially big problem in another person’s area of responsibility, do you jump in and say something?
• Sitting in a meeting, you suddenly have what you believe to be a half-way decent idea. Do you share it it?

When I have something to say, I am quite aware of when I choose to say it and when I choose to keep it to myself. My level of candor is relatively easy to assess. Deciding whether the people around me are candid is much tougher to determine. The best measure I use is whether or not people ever tell me things that they know I won’t be happy hearing. If tough messages are rarely shared, your organization has a candor problem.

I’m not advocating for everyone sharing every little thing that they are thinking, but when it comes to solving or preventing problems, capturing opportunities, and maintaining strong working relationships; candor is critical to the organization’s well-being.

If you want to raise the candor levels, there are three very specific things you can do.

1. Model candor. Speak up, Say what you need to say. Be generous with your feedback. Offer your ideas. Respectfully and directly tell people what you think when they are behaving badly.
2. Draw people out. Ask people probing questions that get at their true thoughts and feelings. Find the right time and place and then ask with a tone of genuine curiosity and kindness. People will very likely answer your questions.
3. Provide positive reinforcement to people who speak up. Saying thank you to someone who delivers a particularly hard message for you to hear is a great first step. You could say something like, “I can’t say that was easy to hear, but I’m glad you were willing to deliver that information. Thank you.” You might also publicly recognize people who do raise very touchy subjects, especially in those cases where the person saying something prevented disaster.

Even the best problem solvers in the world can’t put their skills to use if they don’t know about the problems. And for that to happen, you need to get people to say that which needs saying.

Photo by Son of Groucho

As usual, there is not a simple or easy solution to this problem. If you will for the moment imagine one of those people to be you, then I can offer you these ideas for moving things in the right direction.

1. Listen to each other. Before the fight starts to escalate, it helps to simply listen. What exactly does the other person need? Why is it important to him? How will he use what you provide? What does he believe to be the consequences of not getting what he has requested. Ask that he hear your story as well. This is not the time to rebut or convince; rather it is all about understanding.
2. Try to identify the issue. Are the goals mutually exclusive? Are there really not enough resources? Could there be a misunderstanding? What about past history that has created bad blood? Maybe it is a combination of all the above. You need to know what the problem is that you are trying solve.
3. Brainstorm potential solutions. If so far you only have two options (yours and his), it is time to begin developing alternatives. Work together to toss out all the ways you might solve the problem. Somewhere in the list, there is usually something that might work for both of you.

Group members are constantly saying “yes” when their body language screams “no.” If you are leading the meeting, you can do some things that will help participants come clean with their real opinions. If you are not leading the meeting and notice this body language, jump in and help out.

• Ask each person for an opinion. It may be that people are holding back because that is the easiest thing to do.  You can prevent this from happening by asking each person for an opinion.  If the group is not too large, simply go around the table and ask each person if he/she supports the idea and why or why not.
• Force a contrary opinion. If you are using the previous suggestion and many of the first people you call on voice support for the idea, it makes it more difficult for the following speakers to share their opposition.  They might be afraid of looking like naysayers.  In this case, you could invite the group to think about reasons why they should reject the idea.  At least you will now have both arguments on the table for discussion.
• Ask for an owner. Tossing out ideas is relatively easy.  It is much more difficult to make something happen.  When the group agrees to do something, my next question would be about who will take ownership for making it happen.  If nobody steps up, there might be less support for the idea than previously thought.  You can let it drop.

Honesty in group discussions is critical to success. It’s also difficult to achieve. Strive for it.

What have you tried in your meetings to make them more real?

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Powerful employees are successful employees.  And it’s successful employees that create organizations that thrive, even in tough times. Imagine your organization filled with people who…

• Take an active interest in the organization and are able to voice their thoughts, concerns, and ideas in a manner that is timely, effective and respectful.
• Are filled with confidence that they will complete the tasks and goals they have been assigned.
• Are connected to others who can provide the support they need when it is needed.
• Can respectfully and quickly work through disagreements with coworkers.
• Manage their stress when times are tough.
• Remain productive during workplace transitions.

If you want employees who behave in this way, you’ll need to use a multi-pronged approach.  The first involves increasing skills for employees.  This is usually accomplished with workshops and webinars.  The second is changing the environment in a way that allows the desired behaviors to flourish.

For years the past 13 years I’ve presented thousands of seminars focused on developing skills in employees.  Recently I completed a new series of management workshops focused on changing the environment.

Currently there are six workshops in the series.  Each can be delivered as a two hour mini workshop for leaders in your organization or expanded into a more robust organizational improvement planning sessions.   Here’s a brief summary of the topics.

Speak Up:  Helping Employees Say What Needs Saying

How many employees see problems that could create serious issues for the organization, but say nothing because they don’t want to be viewed as complainers?  How many employees are angry about a coworker’s comments but don’t talk to that person about their concerns because the conversation might get ugly?  And what about all the great ideas that are going unmentioned because of the perception that nobody listens?  Powerful employees speak up.  In this workshop we will explore ways to help employees with a passive communication style be more assertive with coworkers and managers to improve organizational effectiveness.

Mission Accomplished:  Increasing Confidence with Productivity

Think about how good it feels to go home at the end of a long day knowing you accomplished some important work, contributing to your organization’s success.  Do this day after day, and your confidence and self-esteem will rise.  You will not only feel like, but also become a powerful employee.  Today many employees report that they have too much to do and not enough time to get it all done.  As a result they often end their day filled with frustration at how little they have to show for their efforts.  The purpose of this workshop is to identify strategies employers can use to help employees feel more productive and confident in their ability to accomplish their goals and recognize the contributions they make to the organization.

Making Connections:  Building a Networked Organization

If you believe the adage “It’s not what you know but who you know,” than it follows that helping employees know more people is good for the organization and the individual.  Powerful employees build strong networks of people both in and out of the organization that they can draw on for support and ideas.  We all need people we can lean on when faced with tough obstacles, unfortunately most people don’t think about developing this support network until they actually need it.  This workshop will show employers ways they can encourage employees to build networks and help them develop the skills necessary for effectively networking.

Working it Out:  Making the Most of Interpersonal Conflict

Conflict doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  Unfortunately too many organizations treat it as a problem rather than an opportunity.  Unresolved or poorly managed conflicts are a huge source employee stress.  Organizations cannot and should not eliminate conflicts, but they can become great at managing them.  This workshop will explore ways organizations can help people become powerful employees by more successfully working through their differences at work.

Stress Busters:  Working Through Crazy Times

The pressure is building and employees aren’t handling it well.  People are behaving badly and it’s affecting the results.  While we want to tell everyone to chill, that isn’t likely to help much.  When things are tough at work, powerful employees know what they can do to manage their own stress so that they can remain effective in spite of the less than ideal situation.  In this workshops we will look at the three major stress management strategies and explore specific actions the employer can take to help employees implement these strategies in their lives at work.

Navigating Change:  Succeeding During Workplace Transitions

Organizations are always changing, and from the employee’s perspective, these changes often viewed negatively.  The negativity surrounding the change increases stress and lowers productivity throughout the organization.  There are plenty of ways an employer can make transitions easier for employees.  There are also skills and ideas that when introduced into the organization will create powerful employees who are resilient, flexible, and optimistic about the future.  This workshop can’t stop change from occurring, but it can help your organization be more equipped to deal with it.

The way your voice sounds is important in face-to-face meetings, but doubly so in telephone meetings because people can’t see your expressions, gestures or other body language. To convey emotions and intentions, you’ll need to use your voice. Luckily we are equipped with many vocal tools.

• Volume: How loud you talk. Too loud comes across as harsh or aggressive. Too soft can be hard to hear and create the impression that you are timid.
• Rate: How fast you talk. Too fast is hard to follow, especially when language barriers exist. Can also create the impression that you are trying to pull a fast one. Too slow can be boring. You might also create the impression that you aren’t very bright.
• Pitch: Creates emotion and interest. It gives your voice a melodic quality that can, if used well, make you easier to listen to.
• Timbre: The sound that distinguishes one voice from another. While it’s difficult to change, you might have to work on it if your natural timbre creates misunderstandings. For example, your voice sounds sinister or whiny.
• Emphasis: This is bringing attention to specific words or syllables to make your point more clear.
• Enunciation: This is the clarity with which you speak. It helps the listener distinguish one sound from another so that they can hear the specific words. This is far more important in telephone conversation than in face-to-face interactions.
• Silence/Pauses: The space between the words can add meaning. Use them intentionally to create a powerful impact.

It’s often the case that how you say it matters much more than what you say. If you are on the telephone, you need to pay greater attention to your vocals.

When teams struggle, it’s often a result of relationship problems. And the source of those interpersonal troubles? Faulty assumptions.

Imagine one of your coworkers saying or doing something, and suddenly you are all bent out of shape about it. When asked why you are so mad, you’ll probably describe the incident in great detail. Included in your description will be the other person’s intentions, motivations, attitudes, feelings, or values. You aren’t mad about what the person did. You’re mad about what the person intended. And here’s the thing. You don’t know what that person was thinking or feeling. Your anger is based on an assumption.

To keep relationships on a solid footing, begin by catching yourself and others making assumptions that may not be true. If a friend comes to you complaining about a co-worker’s lack of effort and says something like, “She knows that I’ll do whatever she doesn’t do. She’s totally taking advantage of me.” You might gently ask the question, “How do you know that to be true?” You might also suggest other possibilities such as:

• Co-worker did more than you were personally aware of.
• Co-worker was tired and knowingly coasted a bit, but never had a clue how it might affect you or others.
• Co-worker wasn’t aware of everything that needed to be done and thought all was right with the world.

Unconfirmed assumptions can unnecessarily tear people apart. Strained relationships will undoubtedly reduce the team’s effectiveness. The secret is as simple as recognizing what you don’t know and confirming before you draw conclusions.

If you and your teammates are experiencing communication problems, I have one question for you. How much of your communication is happening via email?

When the problems are many, the percentage is usually high. This is because email is missing some key information that helps us understand the message, namely body language and vocal qualities.

In research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, a study found that email recipients only correctly interpreted an email’s tone 50% of the time. The study also found that people believed they got it right 90% of the time. You can image the problems this can lead to on a team that communicates primarily through email.

Most teams would benefit from using less email and having more telephone and face-to-face conversations. But let’s face it. Email is great because I can fire off a message whenever it’s convenient for me and not have to be present if there’s an unpleasant reaction.

If you are going to use it, then I recommend the following tips. My guess is that everyone has at least a couple of these they could improve upon.

• Get their attention with an appropriate (honest and interesting) subject line. Don’t trick them by overdoing it.
• Keep it short and to the point. People are busy and won’t read your email if it looks too long.
• Pay attention to spelling, grammar and punctuation. Make it easy to read, unless you want to send the message that you are either uneducated or don’t care.
• Make it personal, using proper salutations and sign-offs.
• Use the right level of formality. This is dependent upon the relationship you have with the intended recipient. Choose the wrong level, and you risk offending.
• Send it only to the person or people who need to receive it.
• Assume your email will be forwarded, especially to people you don’t want to see it.
• Don’t try to convey humor, sarcasm, or other complex ideas. It just doesn’t come through very well.

Effective communication is critical to a team’s success. Make email effectiveness one key part of your overall team development strategy.

One of the author’s key ideas is that we would all be better off if we talked about what mattered most. How does one know what matters most? She offers a couple great questions you might ask yourself prior to starting a conversation with someone.

• What have I not been saying to this person?
• What topics am I most concerned the other person might bring up during our conversation?
• What am I pretending not to know?

Think of one relationship you have that is important to you. Ask yourself these questions in terms of this relationship. The answer, Scott suggests, is that which matters most.

To me, going from one fierce conversation to another appears full of risk. The author combats this fear with another couple questions.

• What’s the risk associated with avoiding this conversation?
• What’s the potential upside to engaging in this conversation?

The consequence we most fear, according to Scott, is that by talking about that which matters most…

• We will be known
• We will be seen
• We will be changed

Here’s to fierce conversations.